Some conflicts don’t end in clarity, they end in exhaustion. Here’s how to fix that:
By: Delia Drake, LCSW
Couples often come into counseling saying they’re “fighting all the time” or that they “don’t know how to communicate anymore.” Once the relationship cycle gets going, it can feel like a trap. One minute you’re enjoying dinner together, and the next you’re arguing about something that seems completely unrelated. Then comes the post conflict hangover. The quiet, the distance, and the questions: What just happened? How did we get here?
So why do couples get so stuck in these cycles, even with the best intentions? Why do the same arguments keep resurfacing, even when both partners want things to be better?
Let’s break it down.
The problem isn’t conflict, It’s the lack of safety around it.
Most people don’t struggle in relationships because they “don’t care enough” or “can’t communicate.” They struggle because conflict activates old survival responses. When your nervous system perceives threat, logic and language take a back seat. What looks like a relationship problem is often a regulation problem wearing relational clothes.
At this point, you might be thinking “That’s great, Delia. But how do we fix it?” The first step is redefining what we think “resolution” actually means.
Repair ≠ Resolution
Repair is often misunderstood as resolution. We’re taught from a young age that a “good” repair ends with agreement, clarity, or closure. The conflict gets talked through, everyone feels better, and the relationship moves forward. But, that version of repair is more about ending discomfort than restoring connection. Repair is about emotional safety, not agreement.
Two people can deeply disagree, and still feel secure in their relationship. Disagreement on its own is not the rupture. The rupture happens when disagreement is experienced as abandonment, rejection or dismissiveness. From a nervous system perspective, this reflects the difference between recognizing a difference in perspective and feeling emotionally unsafe unless one gives in. Repair is about restoring emotional safety, not forcing agreement.
The issue is that many of us learned, consciously or not, that unresolved tension = danger. So we rush to fix, smooth over, or shut down just to make the discomfort stop. But, rushed repair prioritizes relief over healing. That’s why the cycle repeats.
To end the cycle, we must first understand our conflict style and how it shows up…
You didn’t choose your conflict style, you learned it.
The way you respond to conflict is rarely about the person in front of you. Long before this relationship existed, your nervous system was already being trained. Conflict responses aren’t personality traits or communication preferences; they’re learned survival strategies, shaped in early life experiences where emotional safety was uncertain.
For many of us, conflict once meant yelling, criticism, silence, punishment, unpredictability, or emotional withdrawal. In those settings, the nervous system adapted. It learned what increased the chances of staying connected, staying safe, or minimizing harm. Over time, these responses became automatic.
Escalation, shutdown, appeasement, intellectualizing, humor, stonewalling; these responses aren’t flaws, they were the very things that kept you safe during conflict when you didn’t have other options. The problem arises when two protection strategies collide:
Yelling meets Shutdown
Silent Treatment meets Escalation
Punishment meets Appeasement
Unpredictability meets Intellectualizing
Both partners’ nervous systems are protecting themselves at the same time. Repair requires curiosity about these survival strategies, not blame for having them.
The Conflict Cleanup: How to repair instead of re-fight
By now, it’s clear that the conflict itself isn’t what creates disconnection. The real culprit is the absence of true repair, or what I like to call conflict post-care. What we often reach for after conflict, like talking it out, apologizing quickly, or trying to “move on”, may actually push partners further apart.
Apologies don’t heal when they’re offered to end discomfort rather than to acknowledge impact. Without accountability, attunement, and a sense of emotional presence, even well-intended words fall flat. Repair isn’t about saying the right thing. It’s about staying present with the impact of what’s happened, even when that discomfort lingers longer than we’d like.
Sometimes we skip the apology altogether and say, “Let’s just talk about it.” But conversation only works when both nervous systems are regulated enough to participate. When one or both partners are overwhelmed, shut down, or emotionally flooded, talking it out can actually make things worse. Words get weaponized and misunderstandings multiply.
Steps for True Repair after conflict
Start with the nervous system.
Before repairing, ask:
- Am I regulated enough to listen?
- Can I stay present without explaining or defending myself?
- Do I need a pause before we continue?
Taking space is not avoidance when it’s named and time-limited. A pause that includes reassurance like “I need 30 minutes, and I will come back” often supports repair rather than disrupts it.
Some people need closeness to regulate; others need space. Both are valid regulation strategies. When one partner needs distance, the other may need reassurance to feel safe. Naming both needs explicitly can prevent unnecessary rupture.
Name the rupture without re-arguing the conflict.
Repair starts with acknowledging the impact of the conflict on the relationship, not by revisiting the details. Focus on how the interaction felt rather than what was said or who was right.
Try statements like:
“I felt dismissed.”
“I felt alone in that moment.”
“I didn’t feel like I mattered.”
This isn’t about intent, it’s about experience. Repair is stalled when partners rush to explain themselves instead of staying present with how things landed.
Accountability without self-punishment.
Many people confuse accountability with guilt or self-criticism. Collapsing into shame, over-apologizing, or being harshly self-critical can look like ownership, but it often shifts attention away from repair and onto managing discomfort.
True accountability isn’t about making yourself smaller. It’s about staying oriented toward your partner’s experience without defensiveness or collapse. It sounds like:
“I see how that hurt you.” “I wasn’t attuned to you in that moment” or “I’m taking responsibility for my part”. Focus on presence, not punishment.
Get Curious About Protection Strategies
When conflict escalates, it’s rarely because partners are trying to hurt one another. More often, it’s because two nervous systems are protecting themselves at the same time.
Some people escalate to feel seen. Others shut down to feel safe. Some seek reassurance; others need quiet and space. Repair deepens when couples get curious about these patterns instead of blaming them. Questions like “What was your nervous system trying to protect you from?” or “What does responding that way do for you?” can soften defensiveness and create space for empathy.
Restoring Emotional Safety Is The Repair
At its core, repair answers a simple but powerful question: Are we okay?
Repair reassures the nervous system that connection remains intact, even in the presence of disagreement. This might include reassurance of commitment, emotional presence, or gentle reconnection once both partners are regulated. Only after emotional safety is restored does problem-solving become possible.
One partner might say:
“When we argue, my nervous system needs space to process things and regulate. I still love you and want to work through this, I just need a minute.”
And the other:
“When you need space, I feel afraid I’m losing you. I want you to take the pause you need, and I also need reassurance so I can regulate too.”
That’s conflict cleanup. Not fixing the argument, but protecting the connection.
Looking for Support?
If any of this feels familiar, you’re not broken — and your relationship isn’t failing. Conflict cycles don’t mean something is wrong with you or your partner. They’re often a sign that both nervous systems are doing their best to protect connection, even when it doesn’t feel that way in the moment.
Couples therapy isn’t about learning how to argue “correctly” or assigning blame. It’s about slowing things down, increasing emotional safety, and learning how to clean up conflict in a way that protects the bond instead of eroding it. With the right support, couples can move out of survival mode and into patterns that feel more grounded, responsive, and connected.
At Exceptional Wellness Counseling, we currently have immediate availability for couples therapy at our Manalapan and Shrewsbury locations, as well as virtual sessions. Our therapists work collaboratively with couples to help them understand their conflict patterns, regulate together, and rebuild a sense of safety and trust — without pressure to “get it right.”
If you’re curious about taking the next step, even just to ask questions, support is available. Reaching out doesn’t mean things are beyond repair — often, it’s how repair truly begins.
Check out Delia’s professional bio here!
Email: info@exceptionalwellnesscounseling.com
Phone: (908) 415-2042
